I was planning on joining in with the whole happy Friday thing starting from this week honestly, I was! Except this last couple of days have been not so happy until it kind of got unbearable last night. I heard D come to bed, and I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up (it was about 2.20 am). I decided not to go and get in the spare bed so I came downstairs and put the TV on. I made myself a coffee and got a piece of (stale) cake. I just got sat down when I heard a noise, it was Cleo cat on the other side of the door. "Aw..." I thought, she's come to keep me company, bless her. I opened the door and she shot in and climbed straight on top of the TV recorder thing...hmm. I started watching something on TV, then another, and another until I looked at the time and it was nearly 6 am so I climbed back upstairs and got in the spare bed. I was woken by D at just after 10.15. He had thought he'd heard the TV on when he'd been up going to the loo during the night but had thought it wise to leave me alone.
This is where it gets to the unhappy bit...
Something I haven't shared here is that I am seeing a counsellor, working on my 'stuff'. It's been a long time coming and now the time is finally right, I am ready. But it has also got to a point where I am at the feeling worse before I get better bit. And it's shit-sorry if anyone's offended by that but it truly is. I get to sit in a small room with someone who's not much better than a complete stranger and talk to him about every nasty horrible thing that's happened. Some of them so nasty and horrible I couldn't even say them out loud last week, I had to write them down. Then I get to go home and feel terrible all on my own-last week even more so because D was working away for 6 days. So last weekend past in a haze of misery, tears and bacon buttys. I went out looking at wedding dresses but couldn't enjoy it as I was on my own, and also I just know I'm going to struggle to find one I like.
I have been to see my counsellor again, this week there were tears during the appointment when I told him I don't feel loved, or cared for. And today I have managed to tell D exactly that. It can't be easy hearing the person you love, say that they don't feel loved by you but he took it. And when I'd finished he told me just how much he loved me.
I'm still feeling numb, and on my own....but I'm trying to hold onto the fact that just because I feel it, doesn't make it so.
Life with mad cats & silly chickens, a bit of cooking & probably some wooly stuff!
You're doing the absolute right thing in unburdening yourself. D sounds like a very supportive partner from what you've said. I'm sad to hear you feel on your own, but hopefully with perseverance you will move past that feeling into a brighter space. Stick with the talking therapy, I'm sure it'll be of benefit. Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteThank you-I'm a bit shocked to find a comment here, it's very nice though. I will keep going and it does feel better to have said all I did-even though I thought no-one would read it
ReplyDeleteThanks again x
Goodness me! I wish that I could give you a hug - even though I don't know you! I will pray that you feel better soon, and that - somewhere inside you - the truth that there are those who care for you and love you will begin to be recognised and nurtured.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that lovely comment x
ReplyDeleteHey Cleo,
ReplyDeleteI've just been reading your lovely blog, and also hopped over to say hello and to thank you for your lovely comments on mine. This post has really moved me. I am a counsellor, although I haven't practised since Olly was born. I think you are very brave to face your feelings. It is hard, and there is a part of the process that makes you feel worse. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. I really hope that these sessions will help you find peace. I shall be thinking of you.
Leanne xx
Hey Cleo,
ReplyDeleteI've just been reading your lovely blog, and also hopped over to say hello and to thank you for your lovely comments on mine. This post has really moved me. I am a counsellor, although I haven't practised since Olly was born. I think you are very brave to face your feelings. It is hard, and there is a part of the process that makes you feel worse. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. I really hope that these sessions will help you find peace. I shall be thinking of you.
Leanne xx
Thank you for the reply Leanne (and everyone else's). It's very easy to think when I am writing this it's just for me, as a way of getting 'it' out, but to be honest getting any sort of feedback is lovely. I read your blog and can recognise some of the things going on there as familiars. I will be planting my seeds soon (we are MUCH colder up here) and I will be following your gardening too.
ReplyDeleteThanks again and be well x
And that's just it! Just because you FEEL something it doesn't mean that's what's actually happening, especially when your emotions are so mixed up...keep with your counselling, you're one of the brave ones, trying to sort stuff, there's far too many people who don't xxx
ReplyDeletethanks for that, its hard but ive got a few sessions to go and i'm determined not to waste them!
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